He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
