He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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