I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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