Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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