I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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