God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
