i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
