I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
