I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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