Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
