what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
