I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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