It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
