Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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