K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize