I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
