When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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