Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
This toilet bowl is my home.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
