i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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