My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
