You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
