We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
