Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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