When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
