WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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