just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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