i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Randomize
