I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
