Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
