The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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