I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
