I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
