turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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