Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Terrible idea I love it
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
