the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
