my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
