3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
