Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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