I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Farmville is her only friend.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
