I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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