I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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