Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
