Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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