what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
