Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
