I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
