I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
