I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
