I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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