Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Its about making memories worth repressing
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
