yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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