Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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