we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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