There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
