saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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