my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need to calm my uterus...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
