just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
