Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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