do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
