for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
