I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
