I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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